BEREA, OH - Just when you think you’ve heard the final conspiracy theory or have read the final outlandish rumors concerning higher-up secrets and coverups comes the shocker of the century. Weekly,Farce publisher Ken McEntee is dead!
So says a growing legion of Farce aficionados who’ve been covering this story since, they say, last August.
According to Beans Proctor, a Farce expert and subscriber since the publication’s inception in 1988, there’s been a lot of "funny stuff" going on around Active Communications offices ever since the company’s participation in last summer’s Cuyahoga County Fair. Proctor began looking into the situation some eight months ago when rumors concerning the elder McEntee brother’s death first began circulating during Fair Week; and what he has dug himself into, Proctor claims, is a bottomless quagmire full of international intrigue, conspiracies and double dealings.
It all started when Farce fans who flocked to the Active Communications fair exhibit to gobble up Farce and Active Voice memorabilia noticed something puzzling about the figure, purported to be Ken McEntee, manning the booth. Not only was he dozing off during his shift, but he also seemed to be making fast associations with some very unsavory characters.
But besides acting averse to his reputation as “one who never sleeps" and hanging out with hoodlums, something more was amiss.
When McEntee wasn’t too busy snoozing behind the table, Fair patrons noticed an uneasy distance that seemed to be present between the erstwhile publisher and Eppy, the one-eared monkey boy who has become a Farce legend and confidante to the McEntee boys. Eppy, who plugged some time at the Farce’s Fair booth to lure in dupes, kept noticeably distant from his usually unseparable buddy, and McEntee, it seemed, made it a point to showcase Eppy as a freakshow attraction.
Hardly best buddy behavior.
Hardly Ken McEntee behavior.
Or was it Ken McEntee?
There were reports last fall that McEntee, while at the Fair, was seen fraternizing with one Jet "the Red Baron" Kovoley, renowned Finnish spy who is wanted for treason in 15 countries. Beans Proctor even gained possession of a photo clearly showing Kovoley with friends, gawking at Farce material. The problem is, Ken McEntee is not shown in the picture cavorting with Kovoley. Pure coincidence then, that this century’s top global spy just happened to be strolling by The Farce booth?
Perhaps. But where did this shocking picture come from?
Enter Slip Wax, renowned terrorist, embezzler and jaywalker.
Wax mysteriously slipped Procter the picture of Kovoley during a Cleveland Crunch game timeout, whispered, "You don’t know me," and climbed a ladder to the roof of CSU’s Convocation Center where a waiting helicopter took him away.
What sense does this make?
None, at least to Proctor.
That is, until he received a very interesting item in the mail with an anonymous note that said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m barking up the wrong tree. This pooch is through sniffing. Good luck."
With the letter was a picture taken the week of the Fair, which clearly shows Ken McEntee not only allowing Slip Wax to chum around with him inside the restricted booth area, but sharing a Pepsi with the hooligan to boot.
Or was it Ken McEntee?
Beans Proctor believes the man in the picture wants everyone to think he’s Ken McEntee, but that the real Ken McEntee was given a pair of cement shoes and a one-way ticket to Lake Erie’s beautiful floor.
Proctor says Ken McEntee is a double for the real Ken McEntee, and that clues to prove his theory have been sweeping up like brushfire over the last eight months.
Though he admits he’s yet to find some major pieces of the puzzle, Proctor is confident he’s secured the motive.
"The Farce was getting too big," Proctor said. "The boys were starting to make some inroads, right? They started doing their own thing, getting the people off their apathetic, lazy asses, right? So what happens? They gotta take a hit."
Proctor says a recording exists on which the following conservation ensues between Jet Kovoley and Slip Wax:
Slip: "What are we gonna do about the M&M boys?"
Jet: "They’re not funny."
Slip: "l know. But they’re dangerous.”
Jet: "Good point We don’t want ‘em barkin’ and we don’t want ‘em waggin’ their tails too fast."
Slip: "Whataya’ getting’ at?"
Jet: "Look, you slap the dog and the pooch goes to bed."
Slip: "Not necessarily. Look what happened with the Kennedy thing. They slapped the dog, the pooch got mad. They had to slap the dog again. We don’t want this thing getting rnessy."
Jet: "Good point, Slip Wax."
Slip: "What the hell you sayin’ my name for? What if this thing is being recorded? You idiot!”
Jet: "Don’t worry about it."
Slip: "Alright."
Jet: "Anyhow, what was I sayin’? Oh yeah, yeah. How about we do this? We slap the dog but don’t let no one know we slapped it."
Slip: "A double?”
Jet: "A double."
Slip: "I double dog dare ya."’
(laughter)
Jet: "That’s pretty good. Did you think of that yourself?"
Slip: "Kind of."
Proctor thinks the double was inserted by international elitists to keep The Farce and Active Voice at bay while also holding down any possible reprisals for “slap- ping the dog." But who this double is, if it indeed is a double, is the puzzle piece still lost somewhere under the couch.
Proctor believes it will eventually be found somewhere in the myriad of clues that seem to support his Ken McEntee double theory.
For your own scrutinization and judgement, consider the following: